Confessions of a Hooker

Confessions of a Hooker

A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth wedding anniversary when the wife says

‘Darling, as this is such a special occasion, I think that it is time I made a confession.

Before we were married I was a hooker for eight years.’

The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife’s eyes and

says,

‘My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years, I cannot hold your past against you,
in fact maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit?’

She said ‘I don’t think you understand,

My name was Brian and I played rugby for New Zealand.

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Confessions Of A Hooker

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Stormtrooper Shuffle – Star Wars Parody

Stormtrooper Shuffle – Star Wars Parody

Stormtroopers were the elite soldiers of the Galactic Empire. Like Imperial class Star Destroyers and TIE fighters, stormtroopers served as ever present reminders of the absolute power of Emperor Palpatine. These faceless enforcers of the New Order were considered an extension of the Emperor’s will, and thus they often used brutal tactics as a way to keep thousands of star systems throughout the galaxy in line. At the height of the Empire, stormtroopers had effectively become symbols of brutality and terror. With few exceptions, they were distinguished from all other military units by their signature white armor.

The Imperial stormtroopers were the evolution of the clone troopers of the Grand Army of the Republic. By the end of the Clone Wars in 19 BBY, the Galactic Republic was reorganized into the first Galactic Empire. As a result, the Grand Army was reformed into the Stormtrooper Corps and the clones were renamed “stormtroopers.” Under the Empire, stormtroopers operated alongside Imperial Army and Navy units, and some were stationed on Naval ships where they served as marines. Although the Corps was overseen by Stormtrooper Command, a military agency that was independent from Imperial High Command, all stormtroopers ultimately answered to Emperor Palpatine with unconditional loyalty and subservience.

Members of the Rebel Alliance had several slang names for stormtroopers, including whitehats, plastic soldiers, snowmen, The Boys in White, bucketheads, plastic boys.” Another term was “Stormies,” often used by Wedge Antilles and Corran Horn.

Although the deaths of both Emperor Palpatine and Darth Vader in 4 ABY caused the collapse and fragmentation of the original Galactic Empire, stormtroopers were retained as elite soldiers under several successor states, such as the Imperial Remnant, the Second Imperium, and the Empire of the Hand. By the year 138 ABY, stormtroopers still existed in two Imperial states: the New Galactic Empire of the Sith Lord Darth Krayt, and the “Empire” of the exiled emperor Roan Fel.

Information source…starwars.wikia.com

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Condoms keep your organ safe

Condoms keep your organ safe

Condoms keep your organ safe - Our Awesome Blog

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. “Miss Beatrice”, he said, “I wonder if you would tell me about this?” pointing to the bowl. “Oh, yes” she replied, “isn’t it wonderful?

I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven’t had the flu all winter!” The pastor fainted.

Joke source…..+Wanda Kelley Google+

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Robin Thicke – Blurred Lines – Parody

Robin Thicke – Blurred Lines – Parody

#THICKE

This song totally sucks

#CREEP

This song totally sucks

Hey hey hey

Hey hey hey WOO!

Hey hey hey

Hey hey hey WOO!

#NUTSHOOT

Come over here if you want to get raped

(Hey girl come here)

By a Creepy wannabe Timberlake

Maybe I’m going deaf (Hey hey hey)

Or maybe, I’m just high (Hey hey hey)

But no means yes in my mind (Hey hey hey)

This song totally sucks

This song and video will make you wanna take a knife that is really dull and shove it in your trachea

So overhyped it’s absurd (Hey hey hey)

Makes me seem like a huge perv (Hey hey hey)

“Because you are a huge perv!” (Hey hey hey)

And now it’s time for stupid hashtags

Than say my last name it’s extremely lame.

Here’s what they should say

Source: LYBIO.net

I’m a douchebag who thinks he’s so smooth

Everyone’s dancing except me I’m way too cool.

I’m going blind that’s my excuse when

I am accused of molesting women

Cause I’m a scumbag

Who wrote this concept?

Nothing happening makes any damn sense.

There’s a car on your butt.

Now let’s watch T.I. dance, like a dirty old man who just shit in his pants.

I really want to fuck this goat.

Now here’s a crappy (Hey hey hey)

Attempt at funny (Hey hey hey)

What rhymes with funny?

A lot of stuff idiot!

What the hell’s wrong with this blonde girl.

Humping a stuffed dog?

Could this video get any more wrong?

Hey come here girl.

I have a big D.

If a guy has to say that it means it’s small and diseased.

You just got your ass served.

Somebody please tell me

What the hell am I doing with this vid I mean

Went from rapping on tracks about the streets

To brushing white chicks’ hair like a total creep

And what the hell’s with Pharrell’s outfit?

He look like he from outer space in this silver shit.

This video’s wack and this song’s overplayed.

Come on dude, stop hashtagging your name!

Source: LYBIO.net

Robin you asshole

I’m preggo with your baby

Even though I said no

You knocked me up anyway

But the lines were blurred (Hey hey hey)

They totally weren’t (Hey hey hey)

You’re just a bastard! (Hey hey hey)

#NUT SHOT

Ok, that’s enough, Everyone freeze

Who the hell is this shmuck?

I’m a hashtag cop #BUSTED

This hashtag abuse is against the law [#THICKE]

I’m not kidding

Someone turn that shit off

I am warning you

Stop or I will shoot

OK, that’s it dude!

Pharrell hands up!

What the hell did I do?

You’re under arrest.

For what?

For soliciting goat sex.

Put your hands behind your head!

Thicke, you are dead!

Who the fuck is this dude?

This is my daughter.

You got her preggers!

Time to meet my fist jerk!

What the hell!

Paybacks a bitch.

Lyric source…..lybio.net

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Weird Al Yankovic – Ebay Parody Song

Weird Al Yankovic – Ebay Parody Song

Weird Al Yankovic - Fat

A musical parodist in the broad, juvenile yet clever tradition of Mad magazine, “Weird Al” Yankovic is known for adding his own gently satirical lyrics to current hit songs. His shaggy, hangdog appearance, affection for slapstick, and amiable willingness to do seemingly anything for a laugh made him a natural for videos. His burlesques of the form and its artistes — especially of Michael Jackson in “Eat It” (from “Beat It”) (#12, 1983) and “Fat” (from “Bad”) (#99, 1988) — became MTV staples. His medleys of rock tunes given the polka treatment inspired rumors —untrue — that Yankovic was a member of the singing Yankovic family, who made polka and Western swing records in the 1940s. Regardless of his heritage, Yankovic is undoubtedly the most successful comedy recording artist, with more than 11 million albums sold.

Yankovic, a high school valedictorian and architecture student, got his start I 1979, when he sent his “My Bologna” — a parody of the Knack’s “My Sharona” — to Dr. Demento, a syndicated radio host specializing in novelty songs and curiosities. Recorded in a bathroom across the hall from his college radio station with only his accordion and vocal, the song was popular enough with Demento’s audience for Capitol (the Knack’s label) to release it as a single. His next parody, “Another One Rides the Bus” (based on Queen’s “Another One Bites the Dust”), became the most requested song in the first decade of the Dr. Demento show.

Yankovic signed with Rock ‘n’ Roll Records (a CBS subsidiary), which not only gave him access to better recording facilities and the production expertise of Rick Derringer but the financial backing for the video of “Ricky” (#63, 1983). A combination parody of Toni Basil’s hit single and video “Mickey” and homage to TV’s I Love Lucy, “Ricky” was the first of a string of videos that skewered the music, its creators, and its audience, not to mention pop culture in general. While often hilariously hamfisted, Yankovic’s takeoffs — such as “I Lost on Jeopardy” (#81, 1984) from “Weird Al” Yankovic in 3-D (#81, 1984), which rewrote Greg Kihn’s “Jeopardy”; “Like a Surgeon” (#47, 1985), which tackled Madonna’s “Like a Virgin,” from Dare to Be Stupid (#50, 1985) — made their creator and star as much a rock celebrity as his targets. In fact, the longevity of Yankovic’s career has surpassed several of the artists’ whose songs he has parodied. Nearly half the songs on any of his albums were comedic originals, although only his biggest fans seemed to be aware of “Weird Al” the songwriter. But his lyric rewriting earned him eight Grammy nominations, including two wins.

In 1985 Yankovic released a video collection of his parodies, The Compleat Al. That same year MTV produced an occasional series starring Yankovic as the host of Al TV, wherein he spoofed current videos. In 1989 he wrote and starred in the movie UHF; costarring a pre-Seinfeld Michael Richards, UHF did poorly in the theater but later found new life as a cultish video hit.

Polka Party! (#177, 1986), which relied more on music than on videos, stiffed. Even Worse (#27, 1988) marked Al’s return to rock video, and Michael Jackson. For “Fat,” a grossly, literally overinflated Yankovic donned a leather outfit that copied Jackson’s on the cover and video of Bad down to the last buckle. Jackson not only gave his approval for Yankovic’s versions, he lent the subway set used in “Bad” for the “Fat” video.

In 1988 Yankovic collaborated with avant-garde synthesizer artist Wendy Carlos on recorded versions of the classical pieces Peter and the Wolf and Carnival of the Animals Part II. In 1992 Yankovic turned his eye to another musical trend, grunge, specifically Nirvana. “Smells Like Nirvana” (#35, 1992) took on the Seattle band’s image and garbled lyrics, with the accompanying video again using the original set, this time adding cows and Dick Van Patten, wile the cover of Off the Deep End (#17, 1992) had Yankovic replacing the swimming baby picture on Nevermind, his gaze focused not on a dollar bill but a donut. He also mocked the traveling summer tour Lollapalooza with his 1993 album, Alapalooza (#46), which featured “Bedrock Anthem,” a combination takeoff of the Red Hot Chili Peppers’ “Under the Bridge” and “Give it Away” as well as the classical cartoon series The Flintstones. In 1996 he wrote the theme song for the movie satire Spy Hard, as well as designed the opening credits and appeared as himself in the film.

The same year, Yankovic released Bad Hair Day, which rose to #14 thanks to the success of its first single and video, “Amish Paradise,” a takeoff on rapper Coolio’s Gangsta’s Paradise” (itself a rewrite of Stevie Wonder’s “Pastime Paradise”). The album cover even mimicked the rapper’s hairstyle. While Yankovic always prided himself on getting permission to parody, this time there was a miscommunication between the artists’ record companies’ Yankovic was told Coolio was fine with the idea, but when the album was released, Coolio claimed he never consented. Yankovic sent a letter of apology and vowed not to accept agreement from anyone but the artists themselves.

After being the subject of the Disney Channel mockumentary special “Weird Al” Yankovic: There’s No Going Home in 1996, the entertainer hosted the Pee-wee’s Playhouse-esque Weird Al Show on CBS’ Saturday-morning lineup in 1997 and 1998. He was frustrated by the network’s lack of support for his tongue-in-cheek humor, and the show was canceled after one season. Yankovic seemingly disappeared for a time in 1998; when he re-emerged without his trademark mustache and glasses — besides shaving, he’d gotten laser eye surgery — he was unrecognizable. His 1999 release, Running with Scissors, peaked at #16, due to the well-timed single “The Saga Begins,” a rundown of the current Star Wars movie The Phantom Menace sung to the tune of Don McLean’s “American Pie.” Even the official Star Wars Web site plugged Yankovic’s album, whose release was also timed to the premiere of his Behind the Music episode on VH1. In 2000 Yankovic contributed the original “Polkamon” to the soundtrack of the kids’ flick Pokémon 2000: The Movie.

While Yankovic and his band (bassist Steve Jay, drummer Jon “Bermuda” Schwartz, guitarist Jim West, and keyboardist Ruben Valtierra) are often not taken seriously, they are able to play the original songs they parody note-for-note, both in the studio and on tour, making them a great cover band, Yankovic has also tried his hand at directing music videos, both his own and for other artists, including country comedian Jeff Foxworthy, the Jon Spencer Blues Explosion, Hanson, and the Black Crowes.

Bio source…..www.rollingstone.com

Picture source…..mikesbloggityblog.com

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