Clean Sex Quotes

“I believe sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can Buy”

Tom Clancy

Clean Sex Quotes Tom Clancy

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“You know “that look”  women get when they want sex? Me neither

Steve Martin

Clean Sex Quotes Steve Martin

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“Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand”

Woody Allen

Clean Sex Quotes Woody Allen

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“Bisexuaity immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night”

Rodney Dangerfield

Clean Sex Quotes Rodney Dangerfield

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“My girlfriend always laughs during sex — no matter what she’s reading”

Steve Jobs [Founder, Apple Computers]

Clean Sex Quotes Steve Jobs

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“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch”

Jack Nicholson

Clean Sex Quotes Jack Nicholson

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“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place”

Billy Crystal

Clean Sex Quotes Billy Crystal

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“According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgemental, where, of course, men are just grateful”

Robert De Niro

Clean Sex Quotes Robert De Niro

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“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house”

Rod Stewart

Clean Sex Quotes Rod Stewart

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“See the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time”

Robin Williams

Clean Sex Quotes Robin Williams

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Saving

The

Best

Clean Sex Quotes

For Last

 

“Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope”

George Burns

Clean Sex Quotes George Burns

 Today Is The Oldest You’ve Ever Been, Yet The  Youngest You’ll Ever Be. ENJOY

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Copper Wire – Proud To Be Aussie

Copper Wire – Proud To Be Aussie

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, French scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the French: in the weeks that followed, American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet before finding traces of copper wire. Shortly afterwards, they published an article in the New York Times saying :

“American archaeologists, having found traces of 250-year-old copper wire,
have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the French.”
A few weeks later, ‘The Australian Archaeological Society of Northern Territory’ reported the following:

“After digging down to a depth of 33 feet in the ‘outback’ in 2011, Jack Daniel (Bluey), a self-taught amateur archaeologist, reported that he had found absolutely nothing.
Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless.”

Copper Wire - Proud To Be Aussie

Just makes you proud to be Aussie, doesn’t it?

Proud To Be Aussie

Picture Source: http://chefystore.com/wp/tag/australia/

http://cp.home.agilent.com/upload/cmc_upload/cartoon_WIRLSS2-lg.gif

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Perks Of Reaching 50 Or Heading Towards 70

Perks Of Reaching 50 Or Heading Towards 70

Perks Of Reaching 50 Or Heading Towards 70

01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03. No one expects you to run–anywhere.

04. People call at 9 PM and ask. “Did I wake you?”

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won’t wear out.

08. You can eat supper at 5 PM.

09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won’t get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can’t remember who sent you this list.

Forward this to everyone you can remember right now!

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill
and a laxative on the same night !

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Are We The Ones With Dementia

Are We The Ones With Dementia

Are We The Ones With Dementia Laughing-Hamster

ONE

Recently, when I went to McDonald’s I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.

I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

‘We don’t have a half dozen nuggets,’ said the
teenager at the counter.

‘You don’t?’ I replied.

‘We only have six, nine or twelve.’ was the reply.

‘So I can’t order a half dozen nuggets but I can order six?’

‘That’s right.’

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

(Unbelievable but sadly true…)

(Must have been the same one I asked for sweetener
and she said they didn’t have any, only Splenda and sugar.)

TWO

I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me
put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those ‘dividers’ that they
keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn’t get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the
‘divider’, looking all over for the bar code so she could scan it.

Not finding the bar code, she said to me. ‘Do you know how much this is?’

I said to her ‘I’ve changed my mind. I don’t think I’ll buy that today.’

She said ‘OK.’ and I paid her for the things and left.

She had no clue to what had just happened.

( But the lady behind me had a big smirk on her face as I left)

THREE

A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM ‘thingy.’
(Keep shuddering!!)

FOUR

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. ‘Do you need some help?’ I asked. She replied. ‘I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door opener. Now I can’t get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?’

‘Hmmm, I don’t know. Do you have an alarm, too?’ I asked.

‘No, just this remote thingy.’ she answered,
handing it and the car keys to me. As I
took the key and manually unlocked the door, I
replied. ‘Why don’t you drive over there and
check about the batteries. It’s a long walk….’

PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!

FIVE

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, ‘I’m almost out of typing paper. What do I do?’ ‘Just use paper from the photocopier’, the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five ‘blank’ copies.

Brunette, by the way!!

SIX

A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine. The mother says, ‘I just gave him some ant killer……’

Dispatcher: ‘Rush him in to emergency right now!’

Someone had to remind me, so I’m reminding you too.
Don’t laugh….it is all true…

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Moral Of The Hedgehog

Moral Of The Hedgehog

I never knew Hedgehogs were so cute as babies

Moral Of The Hedgehog

Moral Of The Hedgehog

Fable of the Hedgehog

It was the coldest winter ever. Many animals died because of the cold.

The Hedgehogs, realizing the situation, decided to group together to keep warm. This way they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions.

After awhile, they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth.

Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. They learned to live with the little wounds caused by the close relationship with their companions in order to receive the heat that came from the others. This way they were able to survive..

The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person’s good qualities.

The moral of the story is:

Moral Of The Hedgehog

Just learn to live with the pricks in your life

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If Your Happy and You Know it – Making fun of the poor old T Rex

If Your Happy and You Know it – Making fun of the poor old T Rex

Tyrannosaurus rex lived in forested river valleys in North America during the late Cretaceous period. It became extinct about 65 million years ago in the Cretaceous-Tertiary mass extinction.

If Your Happy and You Know it clap your Oh

Picture Source:   http://www.justlovemytshirt.com

T Rex found a geanie lamp. Now What!

T Rex found a geanie lamp. Now What

It was the best of luck; it was the worst of luck. Sometimes dreams only come true to slap you right in the face with tiny little arms.

“Wishful Thinking” by PixelPants shows a Tyrannosaurus Rex feebly reaching for a golden lamp while he dreams of what could be. Imagine how stupid he’s going to feel when he realizes he has that mighty tail for rubbing.

Picture Source:         http://www.tshirtvortex.net/t-rex-genie-lamp-arm-wish-t-shirt/

 

No explanation needed for this one

funny-T-Rex-toilet-paper

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Poor Old T-Rex

Poor Old T-Rex is one of the largest dinosaurs that ever lived, Tyrannosaurus rex was a fierce carnivore. Scientists believe this powerful predator could eat up to 500 pounds (230 kilograms) of meat in one bite.

Poor Old T-Rex Everytime I'm Sad, I Imagine A T-Rex Trying to Put A Hat On

Picture Source:  http://jpegy.com/lol/everytime-im-sad-i-imagine-a-t-rex-trying-to-put-a-hat-on-9787

Fast Facts

Type:
Prehistoric
Diet:
Carnivore
Size:
40 ft (12 m) long; 15 to 20 ft (4.6 to 6 m) tall
Protection status:
Extinct: Poor Old T-Rex
Did you know?
Tyrannosaurusmeans “tyrant lizard.”
Size relative to a bus:
Illustration:Tyrannosaurus rex compared with bus

Tyrannosaurus rex was one of the largest meat-eating dinosaurs that ever lived. Everything about this ferocious predator, from its thick, heavy skull to its 4-foot-long     (1.2-meter-long) jaw, was designed for maximum bone-crushing action.

Fossil evidence shows thatTyrannosaurus was about 40 feet (12 meters) long and about 15 to 20 feet (4.6 to 6 meters) tall. Its strong thighs and long, powerful tail helped it move quickly, and its massive 5-foot-long (1.5-meter-long) skull could bore into prey.

T. rex‘s serrated, conical teeth were most likely used to pierce and grip flesh, which it then ripped away with its brawny neck muscles. Its two-fingered forearms could probably seize prey, but they were too short to reach its mouth.

Scientists believe this powerful predator could eat up to 500 pounds (230 kilograms) of meat in one bite. Fossils of T. rex prey, including Triceratops andEdmontosaurus, suggest T. rex crushed and broke bones as it ate, and broken bones have been found in its dung.

Tyrannosaurus rex lived in forested river valleys in North America during the late Cretaceous period. It became extinct about 65 million years ago in the Cretaceous-Tertiary mass extinction.

More than 30 specimens of Tyrannosaurus rex have been identified, some of which are nearly complete skeletons.

Source:   http://animals.nationalgeographic.com.au/animals/prehistoric/tyrannosaurus-rex/

Poor Old T-Rex [Tyrannosaurus rex]

Picture Source:   http://www.justlovemytshirt.com

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Old Is When……Share With The Old Folks You May Know

Old Is When – Jokes About The Old Folks

  1. Sorry all, pictures from this source had to be removed by Admin.
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SHARE WITH OLD FOLKS YOU MAY KNOW

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.

As the bartender gives her the drink she says ‘I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today.’

The bartender says ‘Well, since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.’

As the woman finishes her drink The woman to her right says ‘I would like to buy you a drink, too.’

The old woman says ‘Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.’

‘Coming up’ says the bartender  As she finishes that drink, The man to her left says

‘I would like to buy you one, too.’ The old woman says ‘Thank you.

Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.’ ‘Coming right up’ the bartender says. As he gives her the drink,he says ‘Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity.

Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?’

The old woman replies

‘Sonny, when you’re my age, You’ve learned how to hold your liquor… Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.’

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‘OLD’ IS WHEN…. Your sweetie says ‘Let’s go upstairs and make love’

And you answer: ‘Pick one, I can’t do both

‘OLD’ IS WHEN… Your friends compliment you On your new alligator shoes

And you’re barefoot!

‘OLD’ IS WHEN… A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy …

And your pacemaker opens the garage door

‘OLD’ IS WHEN… Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN….You don’t care where your spouse goes … Just as long as you don’t have to go along.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN… You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police

‘OLD’ IS WHEN..’Getting a little action’ Means you don’t need to take any fibre today

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…’Getting lucky’ means you find your car … In the parking lot.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…An ‘all nighter’ means not getting up to use the bathroom.

AND

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…..You are not sure these are jokes!

Have a good day!

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